~Francis Bacon
Green melts into brown. Brown loses itself to green.
A light, yellow/green dissolves into the light plum/sand of the wood fence to my right.
I like the way green consumes the UK. Vines and moss and hedge devour houses and fences and country roads. Green overcoming brown makes me feel as if nature is somehow winning, regardless of how hard humanity seems to be fighting against it. Reclaiming lost territory and finding a place in a world that gives it little thought. Green over brown doesn't just mean "balance" to me. It means restoration.
I'm starting this post from the backyard of the stout Buckinghamshire house. I take my final sips of my afternoon cup of coffee, prop my feet up on one of the four wooden chairs, and try to take in my surroundings. It's difficult to know where to start. A trampoline stands under a pale tree and next to a rather overgrown veg patch. Fennel, tomato, courgette, chives and lettuce emerge from behind a brick stone wall and green metal fence. The fence surrounding the yard is covered with hedge and a tiny fountain sits in an arch carved into the green. Pink, white and purple flowers bob about in the breeze, and the raspberry bush behind me and to the left is feeling much lighter than it did when I first arrived four days ago. I have taken great pains to relieve it of its heavy load. A plum tree to the left of the trampoline is bowed to the ground, paying homage to the playhouse in front of it as its fruit laden boughs force it to kneel. The apple tree behind it seems to laugh at the predicament of the plum tree as it stands straight and tall, branches waving freely in the wind and displaying just the right amount of fruit. The plum tree will have its revenge when we remove its burden for jam and the boughs snap back and smack the laugh off of the apple tree's smug trunk.
Or the plum could break under its load and the apple could keep its laugh.
There's conflict to be found in every situation. In every relationship, in every work environment, in every landscape, in every piece of art. Some conflict is violent, some is subtle, and some is just hilarious.
We connect through conflict. With others and with ourselves. Conflict leads to reevaluation in the mind of a secure and open individual (and defensive pigheadedness in the insecure). Conflict can create chaos and discord, but in the stillness after the storm, we are able to see our values in a clearer, less convoluted light. As I mentioned before though, we need to allow ourselves to experience that stillness and not summon up another storm the way a chain smoker lights another cigarette. We must allow ourselves to breathe some fresh air before lighting up again. Cleanse our palates with a sip of water before the next glass of wine.
Through conflict, we find the harmony. You won't know which notes compliment each other (unless you happen to be Mozart) until you fumble around with the keys and give yourself the space, time, and courage to create a monstrous cacophony. That monster could someday transform into a wondrous symphony once you understand the voice of your instrument and strip away the confounding notes.
Perhaps constructive conflict = harmony.
I think the key word in that sentence is "constructive", though. When is it enough? When does conflict become gratuitous and transform into that messy, addictive drug that we use to make ourselves feel important and add meaning/drama to the mundane? I'm tremendously guilty of creating enemies where no enemies belong. In the weather --
Of course it's raining today. It would rain. I planned to go to a festival and spend the day tasting delicious cheeses. So of course it's raining. The weather hates me.
The weather does not hate me in actuality (believe it or not) and would rain regardless of whether I wanted to be out and about munching cheese or sitting in my living room watching the Colbert Report.
In public transportation --
Ach! The bus is late. Twenty minutes late. Crap, I'll miss my connection if I have to wait much longer. Why me?
And I feel sorry for myself as I wait in a tizzy for my bus to come around the bend, sure that I'm alone in my immense misfortune of having to wait on the side of the road for a bus. In Ireland. Where all buses are late.
Why do we do this? I don't know about the rest of the world, but I create enemies because having something/someone to fight against gives me a sense of place. A sense of being. A sense of importance.
The weather is against me.
is a much more comforting thought than --
The weather has no idea that I exist.
The bus driver is ruining my plans.
is a much more comforting thought than --
The bus driver has no idea that I exist.
Conflict for the sake of conflict supports delusions of grandeur and gives the insecure the validation of thinking someone cares.
I'm a very insecure person and struggle with keeping my conflicts for real. Being the sole creature the Universe loathes is very affirmative and gives my artificially bloated ego a false sense of importance. So I seek out ways for the universe to abuse me and create conflict for no other reason than to feel special.
By the way, I realize that this is stupid and unhealthy. Working on it. I've made a lot of progress overcoming my martyrdom complex and am on my way to becoming a grown-up who doesn't make up monsters out of insecurity.
This is a snippet from a full-length play I wrote after university, demonstrating how I operated three years ago:
DAUGHTER
I began to
crave –
EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BOY
You’re a
despicable human being.
DAUGHTER
For this –
CONFIDANTE
Oh my God, I’m
so sorry!
DAUGHTER
And this –
CONFIDANTE
You deserve so
much better.
DAUGHTER
And this –
CONFIDANTE
Why does this
always /happen to you?
DAUGHTER
/happen to me?
Happen.
Happen.
As if these
relationships had just dropped into my lap from a clear sky,
As opposed to
me
“Happening”
To go out of
my way to catch them.
CONFIDANTE
You’re such a
good person.
EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BOY
Despicable.
CONFIDANTE
You’re such a
good person.
EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BOY
Despicable.
DAUGHTER
The warring of
these ever present,
Ever solicited
opinions
Kept me from
having this war rage
In my own
mind.
Having someone
else say –
EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BOY
Despicable.
DAUGHTER
Took the
burden off of me.
Having someone
else say –
CONFIDANTE
You’re such a
good person.
DAUGHTER
Kept me coming
back for more.
I’d cry,
Question my
identity,
Lose a finger,
And say,
“Please sir,
may I have some more?”
EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BOY
Despicable.
DAUGHTER
And
Lo and behold,
There’d always
be someone close by
Able and eager
to offer more
Where that
came from.
Because the
best thing about being addicted to learning through pain?
Unless you’re
locked away in a tower,
It’s never
hard to come by.
Traveling is rife with conflict. You're meeting new people, eating new foods, understanding new cultures, moving, moving, moving and constantly changing your routine. Life is flux in its most extreme form. Most of this conflict can be viewed as the constructive kind inherent to the lifestyle of a vagabond, and I believe I'm handling it in a mindful manner -- keeping myself happy and safe and accepting when plans change without assuming that the Universe hates my guts.
But still...
Something picks at the back of my mind, chipping away at my determination and distracting me from the present.
*chip* I miss having a community.*chip* I miss my dear family, my good friends, dinner parties, my coffee shop, my yoga students, and that special sense of belonging you feel after being in a space long enough to know the shortcuts, the safest biking routes, and where to buy the best chai and cheese. *chip* I don't just miss having a phone and being able to text someone on the fly -- I miss HAVING someone to text.
Sometimes I feel like my personality is a cruel joke (although I suppose a lot of people could say that). I want to spend my life around people I love (pretty unique, huh?), but I have an insatiable desire to move. To spend my time on earth experiencing as many faces of the earth as humanly possible. My current and consuming conflict is trying to figure out how the hell to make my love of travel and my love of community come together. How can I bring the familiar into the unfamiliar?
Perhaps I ought to join a traveling circus.
I don't want this post to communicate that I'm unhappy. Conflict and confusion don't necessarily equal unhappiness. I'm just trying to find a way to let conflict and confusion equal harmony and I want to make sure that the conflict in my life steers clear of gratuitous. Like in yoga, I must learn how to play my edge.
Too little conflict = stagnancy and depression
Too much conflict = stagnancy and depression
Just the right amount = harmony and growth
Challenges: None today. I haven't been out much since the family left for a music festival.
Preconceptions: I just met an English woman who kept an extremely clean home. Even though she worked on a farm. Super hygienic, given the environment.
General Observations: SO many new words. English words, but words I've never heard before. However, if I pay close attention and listen to the entire sentence, I'm able to discern meaning based on context. Example: "Course I made fun of him, he was whinging all night!"
Whinge = Whine
Saying: It's monkeys outside! (It's very cold)
Your very introspective for a younger 20ish being. Keep on thinking. And have lots of fun!
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