I'm starting this post from the square white room of my three dollars a day hostel in La Punta, Mexico (yup, still here). The only colors to be found are the flimsy blue drapes with sunshine flowers halfway keeping the world at bay and the pink and blue whimsy flowers decorating the dirty teacup resting on the bedside table to my left.
One of my biggest regrets about a life of movement is the inability to create my own space. I would paint these walls a light green... hanging plants and wind chimes and candles and teacups cluttering up the place. Janet's paintings, my postcards, Troy's and Aimee's List of Rules.
(List includes rules such as: #1 = Only French may be spoken in the kitchen, #3 = No unexplained smirks, #4 = Mornings are Aimee's sacred space and #8 = Aimee can make as many plans as she likes as long as a) they're cool and b) she tells Troy about them eventually)
I've spent the last few days pining for Boy, saying "I-hate-goodbye-so-see-you-later" to Vajra and Joy and hanging out with the Orange Cat.
For those of you who haven't read each and every of my 400+ posts (you have a life, shame on you), Orange Cat (Andrej) is the good friend/my biggest fan from Slovenia whom I met last July. He comes from a community of cuddly animals who live in the capital city of my favorite country ever. This is the world of Sabina (a Black Cat with White Paws), who is nearly as fond of calling people animals as I am of naming inanimate objects and very good indeed at creating her own worlds.
We get along dangerously well. And I stayed just long enough to become a part of their animal community and win the title of "Blue Cat".
Yup. These are the people in my life. *Ahem* Win.
Orange Cat just flew in to see Blue Cat.
All the way from freaking Ljubljana.
Whoa. Um... Whoa.
Orange Cat's visit means the world. For multiple reasons.
Razon numero uno: I like Orange Cat. Mucho.
Razon numero dos: Seeing Orange Cat helps me remember that one place across the Atlantic where I fit best. Which isn't a bad thing to feel (I pine for Slovenia nearly as much as I pine for Boy. Which is quite a lot of pining).
Razon numero tres: Orange Cat (Andrej) flew all the way from freaking Ljubljana to visit Blue Cat (Aimee).
Just for me.
Just for my friendship.
To be completely honest (something I tend to of do a lot of here), one of the fears that kept me from committing to a romantic relationship for over two and a half years was that I had this deep, gnawing dread that men would lose interest in me in a person if I was no longer romantically available. I'd lose my value to them and thus would no longer be desirable for any kind of human connection.
And Girl's kind of a fan of human connection.
This fear and dread has its roots in the fact that... err.... well, I've never had a lasting, purely platonic, meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And while I do take full responsibility for initiating a few of the transitions from friendship to romance, most of the transitions were entirely, ahem, uninitiated by me.
Aw, crap. We're here again? WE WERE DOING SO WELL. Can't you just be my bro? We could be tlayuda buddies! Or something? Chocolate buddies? I like rollerblading. I've been known to sometimes kick around a soccer ball. Yes?
Orange Cat's visit just squashes, tramples, dances all over that fear. He is very much aware of Boy and has read (and Facebook liked) my barf inducing (in a good way) post about Boy's visit (thanks for the critique, Janet) and Orange Cat came to see Blue Cat (all the way from freaking Ljublijana) anyway.
Because he values me (and because Mexico is warm) simply for me and is not spurred on by the idea of a romantic connection.
"Men who only think about romance don't really care about what women have to say," Orange Cat mentioned as we walked along the sandy beach towards Kuhl Yogurt in Zicatela.
Orange Cat's friendly hop across the pond on the heels of such a monumental decision has given me hope.
Confidence.
Ease.
Friendship is valuable enough. I haven't eliminated the chance of connecting with all other men in a meaningful way because I now have Boy. And if I take a moment to stop panicking and actually think... this relationship could have a similar effect to the whole no vanity thing. When I stopped wearing makeup/caring about my appearance last March, the appearance oriented people stop being attracted into my life. And thus, my relationships were more honest, to the point and fulfilling. Now that I'm committed (shommitted...), perhaps people interested in basic, beautiful human interaction without romantic undertones will be attracted into my life.
Like Orange Cat.
Monday night was a tough one.
It was nearly as full of conflicting emotions as the past four days had been full of, um... complete and total bliss.
Orange Cat's arrival = resulted in overall happiness and hope for Girl
Boy's departure = resulted in another countdown (36 days!) and all the pining that accompanies countdowns
Vajra and Joy's impending departure from Casa Kei = So. Much. Sadness.
A curt email from an old (but not so cold) lover asking me to please remove him from my contact list, that I'd fucked him over and to never contact him again.
=
numb.
I blankly opened Skype.
Deleted all names associated with the lover.
I blankly returned to gmail.
Reread the message.
And deleted all names associated with the lover.
Do I respond? Do I tell him why our situation triggered all my fears and made me float away? Do I explain how Boy was able to catch me when I thought I was completely untouchable? Or do I just let it be and let it go?
I sat back on the colorless bed of the colorless room (except the flimsy blue drapes with sunshine flowers halfway keeping the world at bay) and felt the numbness sink into my stomach.
Where it proceeded to give me a bellyache.
Fuck.
I glanced at the time.
6:30. I have a yoga class in half an hour.
Fuck.
I am so not in a position to teach right now.
Oh well. The world won't wait.
I slid my laptop into my red sack and chanced upon a five page love letter written in the scratchy, scrawling hand of Boy.
Jesus. Is this really happening?
I sat in the colorless corner of the colorless room (except the flimsy blue drapes with sunshine flowers halfway keeping the world at bay) and read Boy's letter.
The first part of the love letter was filled with the... err... beautiful things that I do for Boy.
- You make me laugh. In my belly. Deeply and fully. All the time.
- You have modeled for me and taught me a way of drawing beauty out of areas of life where most people would conclude only pain.
- You have made me want to do things like hang upside down suspended on your bare feet. And other such things. That I never thought I would do.
- You are, undoubtedly, going to render me homeless, sleeping in a cave, waving down a Hungarian truck driver to the next village. Something like that.
The second part of the love letter was filled with all the beautiful things that Boy wants to do for me.
- I want to be your "peanuts" on your most stressful days
- I want to be there for you. In everything. All the time.
(Are you barfing yet, Janet?)
- I want to freaking be with you. In the same country. In the same city. For more than two days at a time. Can I? Please?
- I want you, no matter where we are or what we're doing, to feel like your coffee mug is dirty.
- I want you to be able to play, at all times, around me.
I drew my knees into my chest and tried to cry.
For the beauty.
For the pain.
For the loss.
For the gain.
But...
... nothing.
Nothing came.
I feel just about as colorless as this colorless room. There's just so much emotion churning inside me right now that I've gone... blank.
That stupid, sing-along Barney song started playing in my head.
"When you mix red and blue, you get purple. When you mix red and blue, you get purple. When you mix these two you'll see, a new color magically, when you mix red and blue, you get purple."
When you mix anger/frustration/heartache/sadness/joy/pining/bliss/confusion you get BLANK. When you mix anger/frustration/heartache/sadness/joy/pining/bliss/confusion, you get BLANK. When you mix all these you'll see, a numb Aimee magically, when you mix anger/frustration/heartache/sadness/joy/pining/bliss/confusion, you get BLANK.
White.
With a stomachache.
Aw, poop.
The yoga class I taught that evening happened, but I wasn't really there.
Teaching on auto-pilot. Mmmmhmmm...
I met with Orange Cat for fish tacos after I'd finished leading a lovely lady from London through a vigorous Vinyasa flow. And I did my best to let go of Blank and make myself available to Orange Cat. Because I love my Slovenian friend. And because he did kind of fly all the way from freaking Ljubljana to see me.
Tuesday was Vajra and Joy's last full day in La Punta, so we met for a tlayuda in the late afternoon.
I need help drawing some color out of this blank.
I told Vajra, Joy and Andrej about the message from the old, not so cold lover. Vajra leaned in close and caught my gaze in his intense, blue eyes.
"Aimee, you showed him love. For the month you were there. And now he's just taking out his inner darkness on you. You need to fart it out. A big, stinky fart."
Joy added the appropriate sound effects.
Fart it out. Well, I do have a stomachache. Perhaps farting it out isn't far off.
Joy and Vajra continued to play with sound effects and I continued to feel less and less blank and more and more supported and loved as we (loudly) deliberated upon the different varieties and qualities of flatulence over our tlayudas in the middle of Amoki's patio.
I was fully present for my yoga class that evening. And for three, umm... not weak daiquiris at Casa Kei for Joy and Vajra's going-away shindig. I even managed to challenge Tomo to an arm balance competition and was too tipsy to care even remotely as to whether or not I won or lost (or remember, even).
Sure sign of getting back to normal.
Orange Cat has been treating Blue Cat to four days (thus far) of the three Goods.
Good food = CHECK (um, we're in Mexico. Food will be good)
Good conversation = CHECK (kind of what he's here for...)
Good company = CHECK (Blue Cat, Orange Cat part two)
Days have been slow.
We walk along the beach to Zicatela.
Swim.
Eat frozen yogurt.
Walk back.
We take the colectivo to Puerto Escondido.
Mosey through the market --
sip some agua fresca --
-- pick out some papaya --
-- choose some cheese --
-- purchase some hot chocolate souvenirs for the rest of the cats in Ljubljana --
-- and stop at a restaurant where I lose all my hippie points.
 |
| Orange Cat |
 |
| Somehow Slovenia manages to always steal my hippie points. Always. I mean, I'm in Mexico, for the love of guacamole -- and Slovenia is still stealing my hippie points. Can't say I mind all that much, though. Cheers, Cat. To another week and a half in Mexico spent enjoying the three Goods. Until I take Boy (Rule #8, Boy. Rule #8) to Slovenia to walk through the mountains in search of Slovenian cheese with my community of cats. |
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