Be Safe. Don't Wear Undies on Safari -- Chitwan National Park, Nepal

Matt and I rose dark and early on the morning of our walking safari, blearily stumbled into the guesthouse, ate a quick breakfast and then met our guide for the day. 

"Is it normally this misty?" I asked the slight Nepali man. 

"In the winter, yes. There is mist until nine o'clock, ten o'clock in the morning."

Once we arrived at Rapti River, we met our second guide and waited for a canoe to carry us across to Chitwan.

It was brisk and damp. I caught myself shivering and wished I'd thought to bring a hat and gloves.

Oh well. Once the mist lifts, I'm sure it'll warm up. 
 

It was an unnerving experience. Squatting in a dugout canoe, nearly eye-level with crocodiles lazing about the banks of a tiny island. Matt and I had been told the day before that these crocodiles are not dangerous, but I had my reservations.

"They don't kill you. Only bite. Bite and scratch."

"Oh. Well, that's fine then. Super."

Once on the opposite bank of Rapti, our guides educated us on all the animals that could potentially kill us in Chitwan and how to avoid dying prematurely under the feet of stampeding elephants.

"The four most dangerous animals in the park are the sloth bear, the male elephant, the tiger and the rhino."

Not the crocodile? Because they just, you know, bite and scratch? 

"So, what do we do if we see a rhino and it starts to chase us? We climb a small tree or we hide behind a big tree. What if a rhino starts to chase us where there are no trees?"

I can't believe this is for real. 

"If a rhino is chasing and there are no trees to climb, we RUN. In zigzag. A rhino can run very fast, but a rhino has bad eyes. So if we run in long zigzag, the rhino will be confused."

Well, that's fortunate.  

"What do we do if we see a tiger?" the guide continued. "We keep eye contact and back away very slowly. Do not run. And don't climb a tree," he added with a smile.  

"What do we do if an elephant charges? Well, nothing. There's nothing that can stop an elephant. We cannot climb big trees and the elephant will break small trees."

Well, that's unfortunate.  

I was so busy contemplating the sad improbability of escaping an elephant attack that I forgot to pay attention to how to successfully evade an irritable sloth bear.

We started off on a dirt path, then dove into the jungle.

Other than countless birds, our first spotting was a small hog deer.

Then we discovered a flock of jungle chickens.

Yes.

Chickens live in the jungle.

If a fucking chicken can survive elephant attacks, perhaps I've got a chance. 
 

"We will now walk across the river," our more experienced guide told us. "The water comes up to... comes up to here," he held his hand to his hip, then looked at my jeans. "You have something under?"

"Nope," I owned up to my commando habits."Guess I'll just get wet."

"It's okay, we can do something else," the guide conceded.

I never would have guessed that my dislike of wearing underwear would save me from wading across a crocodile infested river. 

Be safe. 

Don't wear undies on safari.

 So we backtracked into the jungle.

Because Aimee doesn't wear panties.

"They burn this area every year," our guide informed us. "So it can grow back better."

As we walked, our guides took it upon themselves to thoroughly educate us about various animal footprints and piles of poo.

"This is rhino poop," the younger guide pointed his walking stick at a gargantuan pile of turd.

"This is tiger poop," the older guide poked at an ominously fresh looking steamer. "It is fresh," he confirmed my suspicions. "When tiger makes poop like this, it has eaten blood. If a tiger eats meat, the poop has hair in it. Like this," he discovered a hairy tiger poop nearby and eagerly displayed his find. "This is an old tiger poop from meat. "

"This is jaguar poop," the younger guide stopped to show us.

"This is rhino pee," the older guide dug his stick into a giant wet spot and sniffed it. Then offered the stick to me. For sniffing.

Gosh. 

"What are these?" I asked, gesturing to a leaf crawling with large red bugs.

"They are red cotton bugs. Not dangerous."

The mist finally lifted and the day began to warm.  

"This is a termite hill. Favorite food of the Sloth Bear."

We stopped for a lunch break at a lake around which the guides told us there was normally crocodiles, tigers, deer, the works.

Matt and I saw two turtles.

"We keep walking now," the guides finished their lunch. "We will go to another lake. Where it is very common to see rhino."

 There was nary a rhino at the lake.

We began to slowly circle back to the canoes that would carry us across the river to Sauraha.

And finally, after nearly eight hours of wandering through the jungle, observing gorgeous birds and learning all about jungle poo, Matt and I saw a rhino.

"What do we do if it charges?" Matt asked. As we were positioned on the edge of a cliff with the river directly below us.

"It's safe down there," the guide glanced at the drop off.

In the river? 

"But that crocodile," the guide pointed at the large sunbathing reptile. "That crocodile is dangerous."

That crocodile is incredibly close to where he'd suggested we ford the river this morning. 

...

Not wearing underpants may or may not have just saved my life.

  
"Every year, maybe four local people die from animals," the guide explained as we watched the rhino thunder away. "It is not allowed, but they come into the park to collect firewood or grass for their water buffalo to eat. They are looking for the best grasses, the best wood. So they are naturally around the rhinos. And the rhinos attack. "

Nearly at the canoes, we stumbled into a herd of spotted deer.

Smelly, satisfied and starving, we boarded the canoe for Sauraha. 

At our guesthouse, we ordered enormous dinners, settled our bill and bought bus tickets for Kathmandu the next morning.

I just went on a safari in Chitwan National Park. 

Things I never thought I'd do. 

That.  

We went on a quick stroll that evening so Matt could buy chocolate (I believe he's more addicted than I am. Which is saying something). When we ambled back into the guesthouse courtyard, one of the employees rushed towards us, yelling, "RHINO, RHINO, RHINO!"

What? 

"RHINO!" he repeated.

HERE?

I ran as fast as I could towards the safety of the restaurant.

I forgot to zigzag, but it was dark, so the rhino probably didn't see me anyway.

We spent all day looking for a rhino, barely found one at the end of an eight hour safari, and then one goes and wanders into our guesthouse? 

Life. Life is hilarious.