Everything.
I look forward to nothing except crawling into bed at night. And the reassuring thought that I've survived another day at the Forest.
Which is never how I want to live.
Folks at the Forest would say that my downward spiraling temperament is a result of a recent solar flare, but I'm trying to discover something deeper and more personal than that. A specific reason I'm so tormented by San Marcos and its spiritual tourism and spiritual trinkets.
Because I had hoped that the yoga community would be different. I'd hoped that life wouldn't be all about money in places like this.
But it is. There's so much fucking greed and opportunism in this hippie village.
And I don't believe that greed is about making money. I believe that greed is about sacrificing the well-being of others in order to make money.
Which is how I feel every time I see a sign that says, "intuitive massage," "intuitive chakra healing," or intuitive anything else. To me, "intuitive" just means, "without education."
But maybe that's just me being jaded and cynical with the spiritual community. I wouldn't be surprised.
Every time the Yoga Forest hosts a teacher training and a dozen people show up to pay thousands of dollars to become yoga teachers, it feels like greedy opportunism.
Three weeks. Is not enough time to learn what's necessary to bear the responsibility that comes with teaching yoga. It's utterly absurd to expect that three weeks is sufficient. But people run teacher trainings all the time because that's where the money is.
So thousands of yoga teachers (such as myself) haven't got the proper education to teach people about their bodies. Which results in injuries. All the time.
This. Is greed.
And I'm a part of it.
Which is probably why this town and all of its goings-on get under my skin so much. I'm participating in something I don't agree with. And living in San Marcos makes it painfully obvious.
I have no enthusiasm to teach yoga these days. In fact, I dread each class. I dread each class because I don't feel like what I have to offer is complete. I don't have the education to truly understand physical problems which can arise in class, and I don't have the education to carry emotional trauma that can arise during class.
Then what the fuck am I doing leading this class?
Is a thought that pops into my brain with remarkable regularity.
I need more education.
Is the thought that always follows.
I need money for more education. And stability. Neither of which I have right now.
Fuckballs.
Are the thoughts which follow that thought that follows.
I don't know if I'm able to stay here until the 20th of April. I don't know if it would be good for me and good for those around me.
But if I leave now, would I be escaping something I need to work through? In my yoga classes, I nearly always tell my poor students, "Healthy stress is necessary in order to grow. Give your body the gift of healthy stress. Stay with this stress. Sink into it. Breathe into it. Relax into it. But your body does not need pain. It's your job to recognize the moment stress transcends into pain, and to then give yourself some grace, some compassion, and come out of the posture."
Is this healthy stress? Should I sink into it, explore it, see what it has to show me about myself?
Or is it pain? Is it time to give myself that grace, pack Fat Ellie, and head to Antigua?
...
I just don't know.
I'm not forcing myself to feel gratitude anymore. I'm just allowing myself to feel whatever it is I happen to be feeling. And telling myself that it's okay. I'm sinking into my frustration and my anger. My resentment and my disappointment.
"Life is a dance. Mindfulness is witnessing the dance."
- is the quote by Amit Ray I wrote on the Yoga Forest board this morning.
Just witness this dance.
Witness without judgement. But notice when your negativity affects others, and try to find some kindness to offer. And some context. Let people know that you're struggling, and make sure they understand that your reactions have nothing to do with them.
You're just in a funk.
Something you always say in Acro Yoga is that the base cannot support the flyer if the base cannot FEEL the flyer. The flyer must surrender all their weight, all their trust to the base in order to be supported safely.
So. Bourget. Surrender your trust to the community at The Forest. Let them know that you're struggling so, if they choose, they can support you.
If they don't feel you, they cannot support you.
Mmmm, vulnerability. Is that what I'm running from? Real vulnerability in a community, not just on the internet?
Could be.
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