My Yoga -- Vis, Croatia

I'm starting this post from the courtyard.

It's Saturday.

The sun is shining.

Finally.

The breeze is delicate.

At last. 

It's 15:45.

We've finished cleaning rooms, shopping for groceries and making dinner.

Guests will be arriving soon.

This week has been one of the most transformational weeks of my life. I started off terrified that no one would be able to relate with me or enjoy my style of yoga. I started off tired and insecure and petrified that Milda and Mario would regret allowing me to be a part of their retreat and would promptly send me packing to Split. I was nervous about working with beginners, with injuries and stepping into the shoes of teacher to women so much wiser than me.

I don't like wearing shoes. I don't like teacher shoes, student shoes, athlete shoes, movie star shoes. 
Some feel far more comfortable than others, but all keep me from sensing my surroundings. I just want to be Aimee. If I tag anything to "Aimee", it becomes an attachment to identity. Don't think of shoes. Think of how much you love people, how much you love yoga and how much you love to learn and share. Let the rest go and see what happens.

But by the end of the week, grasshopper Aimee had mysteriously transformed into guru Aimee.

I haven't earned the right to wear these shoes... I thought for the gazillionth time. And even if I had earned the right, I wouldn't want to wear them. If I identify with being a spiritual leader of sorts, it will only get in the way of my beginner's mind. 

Love people. Love learning. Love sharing. Let the rest go and see what happens. 

By the end of the week, nine beautiful retreat goers were flowing through vinyasa sequences with me, guided only by their victorious, steady, strong inhalations and exhalations. We breathed as one body. We moved as one body. We filled the room with more positive energy (I'm going to be talking yoga cheese for the next month, so read on at your own risk) than I imagined possible.

We laughed as we sat on each others' thighs in our closing circle ceremony. We melted into child's pose when we lost our breath. We floated into headstands for the first time and playfully flew on top of each others' feet. We explored basic techniques of Thai massage and spent hours loving all over each other.

Am I really facilitating this? 

I couldn't believe it. Can't believe it.

I'm so... full. Absolutely bubbling over. This is my yoga. I think I've found it. I don't need mantras or bandhas or an abundance of AAAAUUUMM. I don't need to teach meditation or live off of lentils and rice for the rest of my life. I'll leave that kind of yoga to people who like lentils and rice. 

I've found what I want.

I want to create spaces for people to playfully and lovingly connect with themselves and with others. I want them to explore their bodies and the bodies of others. I want to help people realize just how many gifts they have to give and create a space for them to give and receive with no judgment -- just simple, beautiful gratitude. Gratitude to give and gratitude to receive. Gratitude to touch and gratitude to be touched. Gratitude to love and gratitude to be loved.

To the people who shared this experience with me:


I'm grateful for you. So, so grateful. Your encouragement, your receptivity, your kindness, your gratitude gave me the freedom to play.

And guess what I found while playing?

I found a path.

Thank-you for lifting me up. Letting me stand on your shoulders. Helping me find this new perspective.

You will always be close to my heart. 

 

I won't teach yoga this week. When Milda told me that another teacher (with a couple decades of experience on me) was coming to take over the classes for the second week of Dalmatia Yoga Retreat, my gut reaction was something like --

Ouch. I knew it. What I give isn't as valuable as what he gives. 

 -- and then I actually thought about this turn of events for a few moments.

Umm.... this is probably actually just what I need. A week to walk barefoot, observe and reestablish my beginner's mind. Milda said I could take some of his classes. Use this time to rejuvenate. Be inspired. I'll do my readings, help with chores, assist in his classes and spend the week learning, learning, learning. Last week was giving. This week is receiving. Embrace the balance. Accept life's gift to relax and to learn.

Also, you should go ahead and stop feeling so damn insecure. It's stupid. Especially when you get feedback like this from a woman for whom you have profound respect:  

Aimee is a magical yoga teacher.
She has that rare ability to facilitate the needs of all her students.
She is aware...
Her bubbly and warm personality is infectious and she inspires you to reach your full potential and play with the beautiful mediums yoga offers.
She is wise and intuitive and senses the mood of her students.
Above all her classes are fun...
She releases the child within you... the child you long to connect with ...
Aimee colours her woods and enlightens and enlivens your spirit.
She is a magical teacher.

Yes. I think I've found my yoga.