Man Cannot Live on Chips (and Mayonnaise) Alone -- Bruges, Belgium

Man cannot live on chips and mayonnaise alone. While this might seem like common sense to those of you who eat chips on a fairly regular basis, it came as an unpleasant shock to me. Potatoes make this lady bloat like a blowfish, so I assumed that eating half a medium serving of Belgium chips (+ half a bottle of Belgian mayonnaise) would last me until the morning.

Not true.

Maud tossed and turned with hunger. I tossed and turned with hunger.

So what did we do?

In Colorado, I'd a) open the fridge and devour some cheese or b) hop on my bike, pop over to one of the numerous 24/7 stores and purchase some bacon.

In a small hotel on the outskirts of Ghent? 

We went to youtube and watched an episode of Anthony Bourdain eating food in Istanbul.

And then we hated ourselves for this decision.

Bourget, you are the worst travel buddy in the world. First you make Tessa listen to a podcast about two girls getting murdered that night you wild camped near the patio of a partially abandoned restaurant in Albania. Then you make Maud watch an episode of someone eating simit and kebap and fish and yogurt and dates and figs whilst sleepless with starvation in Belgium. BAD FRIEND MOVE. 

Maud eventually went to sleep and I watched Anthony Bourdain in Bali. 'Cos I'm a glutton for punishment.

At five o'clock, I finally realized that there was an apple in the room.

I attacked.

Maud tossed and turned in her (what I hoped, at least) sleep.

Bleary-eyed and ravenous, we checked out of our hotel and sped towards Bruges.

"Do you want the last apple?" I offered the final piece of fruit to sooth the grumbling of my Dutch friend's tummy.

"I can't bite into apples. I need a knife."

"I ate an apple this morning."

"I know. It sounded like I had a panda in the room with me."

"Oh... man, I'm sorry. "

"It's okay. I was up every couple of minutes anyway."

We parked the car just outside the pedestrian area and then walked to a cafe I'd found during my sleepless, I WANT TO EAT ALL OF BALI morning.

The waitress was riddled with perfect grandma laugh lines and eye-twinkles and a voice that cracked just so. She served Maud her cappuccino with whipped cream and chocolate and we were able to pay when we liked.

"Belgians in Bruges are off to a better start."

Bruges (with a bit of Belgium overall)

• The capital city of West Flanders. What's West Flanders? That place on the other side of East Flanders. 
• Name could be stolen from the Old Dutch word for "bridge". Which makes sense, as this city is even more of a "little Venice" than Ghent. 
• Richard III of England was exiled here. He had it so much better than Napoleon. I want to be exiled to Bruges.
• The economy of Bruges used to be largely based on the Zwin channel -- so when this channel silted over, the golden age of this little Venice was finished. The population dwindled from 200,000 to 50,000 and it became known as "the Dead City". Then Bruges discovered tourism. Now it makes a large portion of its livelihood off of the two million tourists who visit every year and all the chocolates it sells in its airports. 
• Since Bruges has most of its medieval architecture intact, UNESCO designated the city center a world heritage site. The Church of Our Lady actually contains the only Michelangelo statue to leave Italy during the artist's lifetime. 
• Unlike Ghent, no part of Bruges is entirely car-free. This makes it more difficult to bike and less difficult to walk. Bikers are on the lookout for cars, so they're more considerate of pedestrians. However, the increasing number of biking fatalities are causing a number of Belgians to question this regulation. 
• Belgium has more castles per capita than any other country in Europe and 50 of the 470 Flanders castles are around Bruges. 
• Same sex marriage is legal (Belgium was the second country in the world to legalize same sex marriage, actually). As is the possession of five grams of marijuana (Holland isn't the only European country with legal pot, believe it or not). 
• Some very bored Belgian farmers might do this on the weekend: Shit Yourself Rich

The Irish hunt foxes. The Spaniards run away from bulls. The Dutch invented Chess boxing. England has cheese chasing. I suppose that Belgians are allowed to watch a cow until it poos.

• Table beer (1.5 percent or less) was served at school cafeterias until the 1970s. As Belgians have a life expectancy of 77-83 years (ranking #27 in the world -- well ahead of the US) the regular consumption of beer has not impacted their health too negatively. There are even people pushing to bring beer back to school, as table beer is thought to be healthier than soda. Go Belgium. 
• Belgium has the fewest McDonald's of any country in the world (per resident, of course). Local people sell their own fries. With heaps and heaps of mayonnaise. 
• Belgium makes 220,000 tons of chocolate every year. Some of it looks like this:

• These horses take tourists around the city. In Morocco and Turkey, I cringed whenever I saw horses pulling carts or carriages -- the hairless hides and the chipped hooves evidence of hard lives. However, Belgian carriage horses are only allowed to work two days a week. I hope that the other five days are spent frolicking in green fields (although I'm sure this is quite optimistic of me).

• Belgium is known for its strange statues. I thought that the confused Roman with the snake tail wolf head glued onto his outstretched hands in Bucharest was bizarre... but Belgium kind of pushes odd to a new level. The following is one of the only statues Maud and I encountered, but --

-- but then there's Mannekin Pis.

The statue of a pissing boy. You can find him in Brussels (he is their symbol, after all). Sometimes he's hooked up to a beer keg and you can help yourself to a frothy cup of cool beverage.

I borrowed this photo from Wikipedia. Didn't actually get to Brussels on this trip to Belgium.

It's funny to walk next to Maud and watch all the people passing by slow down to read her tattoo.

The cheese shop was closed for lunch (which made me think of Southern Italy), so we purchased some Belgian cheese and Mexican bananas from a Carrefour Express and had our picnic at an absolutely gorgeous park.

This is love. Maud can't bite into apples and we had no knife (Bettie went home with Tessa). So I bit off pieces of apple for Maud.

My Belgian chocolates. I did not perish of hunger last night, that's for sure. Man might not be able to live on chips alone, but chocolate is perfectly satisfactory.

Flemish waffles!

It was too late for cheese when the shop finally opened, but we purchased some boudin noir for breakfast the next day.

The drive home was long and halting. There had been an accident and traffic was backed up for miles (Maud says that Dutch people have no idea how to handle accidents. Or snow. Or inclement weather of any kind except wet).

And that concludes our adventure to Belgium.

Chocolate was eaten. Noses were dropped. Chips were not thrown.

Next stop = Amsterdam.