My Dance -- Split, Croatia

Four yoga retreats finished.

Some more successfully than others, but all finished. 

You always seem to manage, Bourget. Perhaps that means you're becoming more skillful as a vagabond or perhaps it's because you're learning to let go of one specific definition of "success". I've replaced hard-edged goals with soft, fuzzy dreams.

I feel... quiet. Spacious. Unsettled. Relieved. Melancholic. In the quiet, I hear fear scratching its insidious nails along the insides of my veins. Sounds that were drowned out by the pressure of being all the time on the ball, but are now slinking, sliding, slithering through this new space.

*scratch, scratch, scratch*

The Balkans are flooding. I'm going to walk across Montenegro? Really? Mud camping, here we come. 

 *screeeeeeech*

What will my next volunteer situation be like? How will I get there? I don't even have this guy's address and have only the faintest inkling where the bus stop is. I have his phone number but I still don't have a working phone. 

 *scratch, SCREECH*

Okay, Bourget. Breathe a bit, why don't you? You suddenly have all this space in your life. The stress flowing through your veins and the pressure forcing you down have both simultaneously evaporated/lifted. You've grown taller and emptier. What do you want to fill your life with? Fear? Errmm... no. How about filling up on gratitude? Yes. So much gratitude. 

The last day of retreat was spectacular. I gave four thai massages in four hours and learned the real benefit of beginner's mind and barefoot walking. 

With each small move I make, I'm affecting how this person feels. In this moment, everything matters. The position of each toe, the rate with which I pour my weight into my foot. The rhythm of my steps. How fully I listen to their breathing.

"Inhale, lift-- exhale, press. Inhale, lengthen -- exhale, twist."

My first massage was with the gorgeous, generous woman from Dublin. I played songs from an Irish CD I'd picked up in Istanbul, lit a few candles and created a happy space. She reached in my well and drew out my chatty side. We talked about music, Ireland and whatnot while I slow-danced my feet and palms up and down her body.

"When I tell my friends back home that I received a Thai massage from an American girl in Croatia while listening to Irish music, no one will believe me." 

The second massage was with the Canadian girl from Miami. She seemed to want simplicity and quiet, so I embraced the silence and focused on breathing together and stepping mindfully.

Every body is so different. If I take what I learned from the last body and put it here, I'd hurt this person. Beginner's mind. No preconceptions about what amount of pressure feels good or how far to externally rotate the lifted leg. Think 

The third massage was with the Latvian girl from Zagreb. I was beginning to feel a little tired (thumbs can only take so much before they need a massage), but I was absolutely bursting, bubbling over with happy energy.

Two more. I can do this. 

Latvian girl also wanted quiet -- but something more. She wanted connection. She wanted to join in the dance. She wanted to actively participate in her massage in a way that other people haven't before. 

Okay. Let's dance. 

During the brief 45 minute massage, I recognized the steps I'd taken to get to this place. To this moment, on this mat with this beautiful person in front of me. My years spent studying ballet and tap and jazz surfaced as I gracefully transitioned from side to side. My years spent carrying heavy stuff from one place to another in my father's woodshop revealed themselves in the strength of my arms and shoulders. My time rock climbing said hello through my indefatigable thumbs. My yoga came through in my breathing and my lunging.  My years spent working with horses taught me how to read body language. My years in theatre laid the foundation for beginner's mind. My wo years traveling taught me how to trust my intuition.

As we danced, I felt each step of this journey.

Ballet
------woodshop
-----------------climbing
---------------------------yoga
--------------------------------horses
----------------------------------------theatre
------------------------------------------------travel
--------------------------------------------------------massaging this person here and now.

I tried to give fully from each step.

After the massage had finished, she stood up (wobbled a bit) and said, "It is in your hands, but it is something else. Something more."

I gave her a hug and told her I had no words.

The fourth massage was with a jolly, expressive Norwegian woman.  I let go of my last dance and tried to be present for this one. My body felt tired and it was much more difficult to not think about dinner, but I felt myself learning each time my attention wandered away from the person before me and I brought it back.

Be here. This person needs you to be here. 

I go to my next placement this afternoon. I hope to dance through the two weeks with the same awareness of each step and how my touch can be used to bless the people with whom I come in contact.

But knowing that it's a different dance and being patient with myself as I learn the new steps.

Let go of fear, Bourget. Fill yourself up with gratitude and let that gratitude inspire you to give simply, wholly, purely.