No matter how healthy you are, you are most certainly not delicious.
In fact, you are comparable to that slimy charcoal/clay/flaxseed shake I had to drink as a sad, sickly teenager. You are dubiously, painfully, regretfully swallowed with hopes that all that nastiness will result in toxins being flushed out of my system.
Mmmm, growth.
We've become quite intimate, as of late. This doesn't mean we're friendly -- it just means we have been spending a lot of time in one another's company.
I felt like shit all day yesterday. Part of this had to do with lady-time monthly drama, and part of it had to do with this retreat forcing me to confront insecurities I tend to avoid.
Because exploring insecurities is uncomfortable.
Because exploring insecurities generally results in the discovery that "Wait... this is my responsibility to fix. Nobody is doing anything to me. I am the one perpetuating this problem and unless I choose to act in a different way than I'm acting now, nothing is going to change."
The discovery that we are responsible for how we feel is both liberating and frightening.
Maybe I'm not strong enough to fix this. Maybe I'm just a terrible person. What's wrong with me?
Taking responsibility for our feelings can transform "what's wrong with them?" into "what's wrong with me?"
Unfortunately, "what's wrong with me?" is a question that leads to more questions that have the potential to lead to depression, stagnation, anxiety...
And what happens if we don't take responsibility? What if we don't assign any blame whatsoever?
What if we simply observe?
These are the insecurities I feel at this moment. These are my reactions at this moment.
A more useful question than "what's wrong with them?" and "what's wrong with me?"?
"What is my lesson?"
"What is my lesson?" renders the blame game unnecessary -- illogical, even. There is no right or wrong in a lesson. There is no perpetual victim or violator. There is only a lesson. There is only listening, understanding, accepting. There is only openness or resistance to learning that lesson.
I don't believe reactions are intrinsically wrong. They are simply revealing the content of my mind -- conscious and subconscious.
What are all these insecurities and reactions telling me about my current state of mind?
Lately, my reactions have been telling me (LOUDLY) that I've made an unhealthy habit of using "showing love" and "pleasing people" as synonymous phrases.
I'm desperate to make people happy. To please them. Part of this has to do with the fact that I'm always adapting and finding ways to make myself fit into the lives of others -- and part of me just got confused and figured that making people happy meant I was showing them love.
When I don't please people, I feel like I've failed. When I don't receive validation for pleasing people, I feel worthless. I've linked my value as a human being to whether or not the people whose lives I touch are made "happier" as an immediate and direct result of this interaction.
Which means that I've spent a lot of time feeling like a worthless failure of a human being.
New thought process! There is nothing "wrong" with them. There is nothing "wrong" with me. It is only a lesson. What is my lesson? What can I learn from this lesson?
Ach.
Bourget, you can stop thinking about making people happy. You can start thinking about being a loving person. You have absolutely zero control over whether or not people are made happy by your presence. You have 100% control over whether or not you are a loving person. Get on that bandwagon, lady. You can't always make others happy, but you can make choices that allow YOU to be happy. Focusing your energy on being a loving person with allow you to be happy because you won't spend so much time thinking about how you've failed to please others. You can stop trying to make people happy. Just. Be. Loving. The reactions of those around you are lessons to them just like yours are lessons to you. Don't take reactions personally -- just allow them to guide you into a deeper understanding of where and who you are.
Yes.
In other news, I've stopped showering.
Let that one stink in.
Sorry. "sink" in.
This does not mean I'm going to let myself accumulate dirt and sweat and all the random, reeking tag-alongs until I look and smell like I haven't seen soap in thirty years.
It simply means that instead of unnecessarily wasting water in the shower, I'm going to fill a small bowl with warm water, soap and perhaps some of the essential oils my mother gifted me with before the start of this adventure. I will then proceed to scrub my body. And get clean. Without showering.
And jump into lakes and rivers whenever possible. Of course.
If only my Turkish family could see me now. Seher would have a heart-attack. The kind that kills you.
I'm simplifying my life. Mindfully. Letting go of the things that aren't necessary and clang, clatter discordant chords in my symphony. Letting go of what doesn't feel natural in this flow.
Why do I shower? I shower to get warm.
I can curl up in my sleeping bag to get warm and not be so wasteful.
I shower to connect with myself in that safe, meditative space.
I can paint, walk, or practice yoga whenever I need to connect with myself. And not be so wasteful.
I shower to get clean (notice how this is the last on the list).
I can get clean with a bowl of warm water.
Not showering is a very small thing, but I am a very small person. I'm not in the position to find the cure for cancer, to end global warming, to establish world peace, or any of the other big picture plans that populate the dreams of many.
I'm a little person. I can stop showering. I can stop spending money (and time) on the "extra" things -- makeup, razors, new clothes. My next writing tool (after my laptop kicks the bucket) will be a simple tablet that I can connect to a keyboard and charge with a backpacker solar panel.
I can stop flying and I can walk more.
I can eat food that is grown locally. Seasonally.
All of these things are possible for a very small person.
So why not? Just like your backpack. Let go of what you don't need. Ask yourself, "Why do I behave in this manner?" like you ask yourself, "why do I carry these things?"
My hair is short. I don't need to shave. HA! All I need to do is get myself clean, and I certainly don't need a shower to accomplish that.
Perhaps this is going too far. Perhaps I'll go for a week without showering and wonder what the hell I'm doing.
But I'll never know where too far lives unless I play the edge.
This is a photo taken of me (and my wonderful friend) shortly before I left on this trip --
This is a photo taken a week and a half ago.
On which people now paint wisdom feathers while I nap on Croatian beaches.
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