Ups and Downs -- Solin, Croatia

As mentioned in a previous post, I've definitely come to an understanding that every situation has its own unique ups and downs. Ups about the retreat on Vis included being able to teach yoga and meditation for hours every day, meeting receptive, beautiful people and... well, living on a breathtakingly gorgeous island. Downs about the retreat were a somewhat toxic work environment and the fact that I just didn't feel like I could adequately meet the needs of everyone at the retreat armed with only vinyasa and thai. 

Ups about Nove Starine? The composting toilet (I love saying hello to my poo and then putting a scoop of dirt on top instead of flushing it far, far away). The lukewarm/ice cold environmentally friendly shower system. The freaking awesome (I'm allowed this expression once per day) stone chairs that look like they're straight from Narnia or Middle Earth. The opportunity to share my birthday with Myriam, Elizabeth and Giuseppe. Kale. I love kale and I eat an abundance of kale at this place. My body is positively overloaded with Vitamin A and Vitamin C from this sturdy brassica and supersaturated with Vitamin D from all the sunny, sunny shine. However, my scratched up, blistered and sunburned self isn't full of much else, momentarily. 

This is a serious down about Nove Starine. Our hippie host had his carving tools stolen last winter and is unable to wrap his head around a way to make money without these tools. I suggested turning the park into a campsite (he already has everything he needs to make the transition), but he shook his dreads deliberately and said, "but then too many idiots would come here. People who don't appreciate what I'm doing."

Well... at least they'd give you money so you could continue doing what you're doing...

So Ivan doesn't have enough money for food.

Currently, the fridge/cupboards are stocked with:

-a pint of milk
-half a can of maple syrup
-mayonnaise
-a tiny bit of cheese
-four apples
-cereals

...

There are four of us living here. Surviving off of milk and mayonnaise.

Delicious. 

Giuseppe bought rice and potatoes and zucchini to share. I'm still running on fumes from all the chocolate and cheese I consumed on my birthday. Tessa bought strawberries and chocolate from the local shop and we splurged after eating yet another kale salad for lunch.

I haven't consumed so much kale since volunteering at Sinead's place in Kilkenny three years ago. All that kale leftover from the market that I would turn into forte, FORTE kale juice. 

Ivan has prepared two meals in the week that I've been here. One was frozen sausage soup and the other was chicken and vegetables slow-cooked under hot coals. Epic cooking pot + coals resembled a slowly smoldering shield volcano (but with less death and more flavor). The rest of the lunches and dinners have been primarily prepared and purchased by volunteers. Which was not part of the original agreement.

This man can't afford to host volunteers. On his profile, he said that food was included in the exchange. He said that there would be internet connection. 

I can survive without internet, but this is a rather pivotal point of my travels through Europe, and internet is important for researching rides on blabla car and various hitchhiking routes. I had hoped that Tessa and I could accomplish the majority of our research at Ivan's.

He said that we would find a project that we like and devote ourselves to that project. There is no internet. There is hardly any food. We aren't really given the choice of project and he's so disorganized that we can't even finish the few projects we start. FRUSTRATION. 

Tessa and I might be hightailing it up to Zadar. As volunteers at Nove Starine come and go as they please (Ivan even forgot that Tessa was coming at all), we aren't breaking any sort of commitment by a premature departure... but I'm still struggling with the idea of moving on so soon. Moving on before I leave a meaningful footprint.

But --

"I feel like what I'm giving isn't helpful to him and he's not meeting my needs the way he promised." I thought about the empty fridge and the vertical hill he'd asked me to weed on which nothing could be planted. "Is it worth it to stay here? I don't like leaving placements early, but I don't want to stay in something that is clearly unhealthy for both parties. He seems to host volunteers because he wants to have people around and because he needs to share his dreams -- but it makes me crazy that he's not doing anything to achieve his dreams. Nothing feasible, anyway."

Ivan recently wrote to Oprah to ask for money. Tessa recommended Kickstarter, but he didn't appear interested. 

"When we give him suggestions for creative ways to make money, he just shoots them down. He doesn't want to do anything."

Ivan hasn't been in the best mood for the last couple of days. He sits and talks at us about all the things he has to do and how busy his life is -- while we're weeding under the clothesline or building a foundation for his future information center. Then he loses the plot (if he ever had one) and goes off and sulks because he doesn't have the lumber to actually build the information center because no one will give it to him.

He's a nice guy... great ideas... but unable to organize anything. Unwilling to organize anything. Time is precious to me. Is this a valuable way to use my time? 

Tessa and I will sleep on this question tonight. Time is all we have. Where and with whom we spend our time is one of the most important decisions we can make.

"It would be different if we could see we were actually helping him," Tessa commented as we discussed our options. "If he had a job for us and tools for us and an end result in mind. But this is just chaos."

"Yeah... and I don't see that changing."